See also 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners Used to take it to the pictures and that. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Something bad is about to happen I can feel it. Ironically, thats how he lost his job in disaster relief. Mark Watson, Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. COLLABRO RETURNS TO LONDON WITH A BRAND-NEW CONCERT TOUR THIS CHRISTMAS! It doesnt last long if youre fat.Joe Lycett(2014), I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone. Jordan Brookes (2016), You cant lose a homing pigeon. Today someone told me that I look good with a salt n pepper beard, so I took that as a condiment. 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes I dont want to do itPhil Wang, I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the ArkAdam Hess, I went to a Pretenders gig. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes Theres no other word for it Ross Smith, I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; Im really struggling to get out of it Adele Cliff, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.Gary Delaney, I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Free delivery for many products! There would never be an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order sign, only Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Mitch Hedberg, If I was an Olympic athlete, Id rather come in last than win the silver medal. Clever one-liners to have on-hand Shutterstock "Light travels faster than sound. Ive got the memory of an elephant; I remember one-time I went to the zoo and I saw an elephant. Contact lenses.Zoe Lyons, Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. I thought: This could be interesting.Paddy Lennox (2009), The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, Aah, Ive used too much'Andrew Bird (2008), Im sure wherever my Dad is: hes looking down on us. So I bought 100 copies ofGoldfinger. Nick Hall (2015), Ive decided to stop masturbating, since then Ive not really felt myself. Tom Toal (2015), I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.Jonny Lennard(2014), My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday. That wasnt a nice postcard to receive.Joe Bor(2014), The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. You win the gold, you feel good. A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: Pint please, and one for the road.. Theres no other word for itRoss Smith (2019), I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; Im really struggling to get out of itAdele Cliff (2019), 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners that will make everyone laugh 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe) Ive lost three days already. Doomed to fail, How to listen to Greatest Hits Radio on FM and DAB, and when Ken Bruce starts, Where the mid-morning show host is going next and what he's said, How to get Madonna's London O2 tickets and full list of tour dates and venues, 'We know less about the things around us than ever before': Pico Iyer on five decades of travel, On TV tonight, cutting-edge operations in Surgeons: At the Edge of Life, Do not sell or share my personal information. Well see about that. So how does it feel to be so popular? Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? I hardly ever visit Syria. Alex Horne(2014), Life is like a box of chocolates. Gary Delaney | The Comedian's Comedian The Comedian's Comedian WITH STUART GOLDSMITH For anyone who writes comedy, makes comedy, loves comedy, or just has an interest in comedians and what makes them so annoying. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club Video 2019 54 m YOUR RATING Rate Comedy Add a plot in your language Writer Gary Delaney Star Gary Delaney See production, box office & company info Add to Watchlist Photos Add photo Top cast Edit Gary Delaney Self Writer Gary Delaney All cast & crew Youd call yourself Uncle Feminism. Jenny Collier (2016), My mate is called Liam, but we call him Two Legs Liam. Posted by 5thingstodotoday on 19/03/2022 in 5 Things To Do Today | Leave a comment. ' Damien Slash (2015), I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Are you sure you want to delete this comment? Commit them to memory, and you'll have your friends laughing so hard they won't even remember why the conversation had lagged in the first place. 105.2. Could be a Chinese Wispa. Rob Auton (2013), I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Nick Helm (2011), Crash Investigations is my favourite TV show, Ive seen every episode. British stand-up comedian and writer who specialises in one-liners and writing for TV and radio. ' Paul F. Taylor (2016), If you dont know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. Ian Smith (2015), Insomnia is awful. Age One Liners. Then I was born.Yianni (2015), I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. You either love them or you keep them at the back of the cupboard next to the piccalilli. Abi Roberts (2016), You just know Chilcot was up until 4am, downing Red Bulls and trying to crank out the last 800,000 words. Alex Kealy (2016), Yo Mammas so fat that other people have to pay for the health consequences of this via general taxation, even though its her responsibility. Dominic Frisby (2016), Jokes about white sugar are rare. And youll have a really big restaurantMark Simmons, Im rubbish with names. Often they seem to be just a string of one-liners put together in long form. Its not like Angry Birds. 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. What a turtle disaster! Like the way an Irish person or a Scottish person would say that the band Snow Patrol are boring but an Eskimo has a hundred words for how crap Snow Patrol are. Neil Hickey(2013), Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! 105 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe. Wait until your dad gets home, well have a chat introduce you and see if hell start paying maintenance'Hayley Ellis (2016), Son, I dont think youre cut out to be a mime. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick Andrew Lawrence (2008), Doctor, doctor! It was the year in which the subject of civil rights in America had come to the fore, and so come the publication of In The Heat Of The Night it was immediately put into a bracket of being culturally - even politically - significant. billed as a blockbuster simply because of the amount of one-liners in just a few minutes. I said to him Dont be Sicily. Tim Vine, Never Apologise! I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. She was a vegan and refused to touch me. Daniel Audritt (2018), What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens? Flo and Joan (2018), I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer. Richard Lewis, My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Website: Biographyscoop.com Apparently, author John Ball had to deal with considerable pressure from . SEP 05 2020 Harrogate Theatre, Pingback: Trevor Noah Bio, Age, Real Name, Parents, Net Worth and The Daily Show, Pingback: Ilana Glazer Biography, Age, Brother, Husband, The Planet is Burning, Tour, Pingback: Sarah Millican Biography, Age, Husband, Books, Net Worth and Comedy, Email: Edit, improve, tweak, experiment, keep what works. No one lost ahead of you! Jerry Seinfeld, We werent very religious. 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes But it all just sounded like haw he saw he haw he haw. Email Address. One of the most sought after joke writers in the country and longstanding Mock the Week special guest, Gary has been through the laughing glass and he's ready to bring you a brand new show with hit after hit of the kind of one-liners only a master could craft. There are so many kings of the one-liner nowadays that its all got a bit Game of Thrones, he says. It took them two hours to pass the salt. GAGSTER'S PARADISE. To the moo-vies! I think its sad the word legend has been devalued from pulling a sword from a stone to unexpectedly returning with crisps. If you have to force it its probably shit. Stephen K. Amos(2014), I used to be addicted to swimming but Im very proud to say Ive been dry for six years.Alfie Moore(2013), My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. Rhys James (2016), My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club(2019 Video) Gary Delaney: Self It looks like we don't have any photos or quotes yet. I found out she was seeing someone on the side. Menu. This is thy sheath! The tour starts in Hull on September 6, 2018 and currently finishes in Otley on March 1, 2019. Theyre not really into that sort of thing. The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise. Hes not dead, just very condescending. Jack Whitehall, Whats a couple? I asked my mum. No it was a mutual thing. I met this gangster who pulls up the back of peoples pants. 100 of Homer Simpsons greatest quotes If I dont pay it back, Im going to get repossessed. Olaf Falafel (2018), In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. Be the first to contribute! 5 things to know about Dancehall legend Beenie Man when he performs in London this September, 5 things about where to spend the heatwave in London: Shaved Ice Gin Pop Up Bar in Belgravia, ROKU X Pantechnicon, 5 things about the The Bobby Moore Fund London Celebrity Sports Quiz. Now I cant get the cobwebs out of her hair. Now, for the first time, comes the first collection of his finest jokes. That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine (2011), I have downloaded this new app. The stand-ups I admire the most are all gag-men, people who could write a really good short funny joke, he says. Gary Delaney is currently on his UK Gary in Punderland tour. I used to be into ham radio, but all I could hear was crackling. Its called the Daily Mail. Hayley Ellis (2016), When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a womans body. Talking casually gives you more leeway for jokes. If you have to force it its probably s***. Stephen K. Amos, I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips I went to the doctors the other day and he said: Go to Bournemouth, its great for flu. So I went and I got it. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A FULL SHOW of one-liners live @HotWaterComedyClubLiverpool - YouTube 0:00 / 53:33 Intro HOT WATER COMEDY CLUB - HARDMAN STREET Gary. Age One Liners. 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