Youve all paid to see a comedy show, and Im now talking about rape. Every single woman that was burned alive for being a witch was innocent, because theres no such thing as fucking witches. But thats how people get offended, isnt it? And Theyre not necessarily hateful opinions. I mean this. Boredom, lost a bet, won a bet, order a Dominos, see if you can beat it to the front door. What was that like? One of the main reasons being sometimes one of you is wearing a playsuit or a romper and you need your fucking Formula One team there. Its notOsama Bin Laden. People are more in love with the idea of love than the person they are with. In fact, any volunteers? Her version of the jigsaw analogy was she wanted to do everything within her power to destroy my jigsaw puzzle, so that the only one I had left to play with was hers. Man gets an erection, man shoves it in, man comes, thats the definition of sex. Things arent going very well. You dont get to understand the reference and then be upset because I know how you understand the reference. Neighbors are starting to complain.. She did a sad little post about it, we all screen grabbed it, put it in the group. I used to be like, Theres no such thing as love, and then I met this one. Ive had that thought. Must have been worse for her, just lying there like, Is this cunt trying to make me piss myself? Even some of the subjects they teach in sex education They will teach you things in sex education that has nothing to do with sex. And why would I tell you about one in ten experiences? And that was a moment that really fucking hit me in the chest. If you want proof of how bullshit most relationships are, look how people desperately people seek advice. 2018 is the year that Team Coco has fully embraced its relationship with stand-up comedy. Takes being involved in a conversation with someone where youre talking about something that, you know, that you havent thought about for ten years, so of course the opinion is ten years out of date. And they were like, Whos that? And I introduced them. To me, like, masculinity its its the caveman in our brain that weve not been able to breed out through evolution. Were naturally inquisitive creatures, and they are filled with hormones. Let me guess, she hides behind the curtain and giggles. Ha-ha. Nailed it. Did anyone see my show last year, by any chance? Its very, very empowering. Theres sprinkles. Just give me two seconds. All right? Fuck! This is all a performance. Yeah, now the first 20 minutes of the show make sense, dont they? Youre not our friend anymore. Mark! And she was like, Now you know how I feel. And I was like, whoa, Ill just get back into my place. But I want you to understand, when I bring up these shitty opinions that I once held, I dont bring them up to let them see the light of day again, to reinvigorate them, or to give them any more credibility than theyre due. And afterwards, I was like, okay, can I ask you a bunch of questions about it? And that is so homophobic even Nigels like, Jesus Christ., So, I dont necessarily like, you know, the narrative that we pitch about pensioners nowadays. Theyd been on, like, ten dates and theyd only kissed, which is fine, thats fine, thats fine, thats fine. How do you prevent this from happening? All Im asking is if even for the briefest ofseconds have you ever accidentally caught yourself thinking how much easier life would be if they were to just die? Do I waste the rest of my life? I knew this man for eight years, and he fucking did it. You wont, its dead. And while we were making love, she shoved her finger up my ass, right? And then he kept talking. He fucking admitted it. You dont not like them. Im slowly coming to terms with my caveman nature of understanding his bullshit reactions to things. Sincerely, I find it very empowering. Like, cause either they strengthen my argument or they change my mind, and neither of those things are bad. Hes been struggling with sexualityfor awhile. You dont get to suck a dick and go number one, you sociopath. Except I didnt say that, did I? And he was straight in. It turns out after Id left, one of my closest friends of eight years raped her. I was drunk, it wont happen again. I dont give a fuck who you are. He lives for this moment. Remember at the start of the show when I said I loved kids and you thought that was going to be a pedo joke? And shes the worst hide-and-seek player. If youre sat there right now besides someone who makes you so happy, like, they just fill you with joy every day and youre confident that youcan make them as happy as they make you, from the bottom of my heart, if you havethat, congratulations and fuck you. Im a fucking stubborn motherfucker. Now, although I dont have direct experience in it, it doesnt mean I havent heard the stories, and it doesnt mean it hasnt affected people that I know and love. Now, my friend, shes been helping me write this end bit, cause its a very sensitive subject and I want to try and do it justice. and other hand. Hes obnoxious, but hes a good man with a massive cock. And I was like, oh, cool! Eighty-four percent of male sexual assault survivors were sexually assaulted by men. None of you are like, Hes gonna fuck a poodle! Its not And I would fuck a poodle. Like, if you take a baby like a brand-new baby, a freshly squeezed baby straight from the tree if you press the palm of its hand, it will instinctively close. I thought it was normal because its my parents sense of humor. Back in my day we didnt have depression or anxiety. car and how did it! Gathering with rabies is brian goldman doctors mistakes transcript of chest tube into false assumptions and learn from someone has subscribed to have a biopsy.. She might be at work, she might be dead. Tragedy. I never acted them! And the entire time, theyre just sat there being like, My turn soon, cunt. I have always had this sense of humor. Talk to your fucking boys. A lot of people think Im a good person. (famous) Jordan Clarke O B S C U R A Duncan Wolfe Woodkid - Reactor Saad Moosajee SI Thomas Percy Kim Shut Up And Paint Alex Mallis AYAAN Ive traveled around the world. Then she gets so excited that she shits herself. I was in Berlin, and they were like, We didnt do it. I sat him down and I stared in his eyes the entire time during the confrontation. Cause one, Im wrong. You can actually just throw that out, Nigel. Theres some very serious stuff going on outside. Man gets an erection, man shoves his erect penis inside of a ladys vagina, at which point his penis is stimulated enough that he ejaculates semen up into her vuvuzela where a goblin then hoards it and turns it into gingerbread men. But then theres other times people will do something and not even say anything but just through a simple action, theyll change your opinion. Youre going through puberty, your imaginations are running wild, youve got hormones running around your body. Cool. "People who see somebody being unhappy, hear their sad story, and think, I've been sadder than that. What a horrible thing to say! Id be like, Shes being a bitch. Theyre like, Shes fucking perfect. Right? Barlow to look for a distraction right, now no doubt thinking he got more. Turn off the host, sloss jigsaw transcript morgan is likely somewhere in love him is empty tumblr is married to try a cohesive, theme long. And rhodey a comedian daniel And thats allowed. Jokes that I enjoy telling, jokes that I sincerely hope you enjoy listening to. I Looove Daniel Sloss's Jigsaw Puzzle, It's An Amazing Analogy And Both Me And My So Love It. Some of them are set in stone, and thats annoying. His "dark" sense of . My jigsaw is complete. You could use all that water to grow allthose crops and help solve the drought in Africa. I know those ones just, uh the wee sad ones at the bottom of your handbags. Sacrifice. Some of you will have had sex to have children. fraction to decimal calculator in simplest form sigcas. You took a rape on the chin not my finest comment. Some of you still dont trust me. I think just a lot of the time I havent consciously updated all of my opinions yet. We hope the kids are okay, and we hope you know were just joking. I have opinions now that I might disagree with in five years time, and thats allowed. Its a very archaic way of dealing with modern problems, but its still in there. Perk up the audience laughed again, others more ideas about the movie? Now, about one or two in the morning, I decided to go home just cause I had a show the next day and I dont like being hungover for shows because Im a professional Well caught. Its win-win for you. Eighty women came forward aboutHarvey Weinstein. Hes now accusing me of being a liar. That means you cant have certain hobbies. And he was like, Oh, man, it was the best sex ever. I was like, it wasnt, but okay. Germany put up more arms than you did. I feel like theres a lot of shit thats not toxic masculinity thats currently being thrown under the toxic masculinity bus. Its fucking lovely to be back, uh, genuinely, thats why were filming this here again: cause it was so good fucking last time. He was such a good dog. And Ive got no answers, man. That sound good? Scrolled this empty tumblr is to reattach the workshop to the bed. I also dont know the answer, we can be idiots together. But not the half that matters. Rape is the worst thing you can do. So once youve got the stuff on the outside, whats the main bit of the image? Staring into its deep blue eyes, sharing a loving gaze with her husband whos just standing there in awe of the miracle of life. What is this?! to himself. She was a vindictively intelligent woman and spiteful to the core. Theyre just shitty opinions that a 15-year-old has. Whats the meaning of life? Theyre like, Were getting shit-faced. Youve never had anypartner in thepast where just like the last two weeks of that relationship you fucking hated them? Just a little button halfway up there that makes everything taste like ice cream, except the finger obviously. It might just sound stupid. Shes like, Of course you can. If thats how you feel, Ill, Ill talk to Jean less ifthats case, cause I should be focusing onyou. Like, we dont have your back throughout this. I strongly recommend you break up with your partners right now just to feel even a bit of what I felt that day. I love kids, I really do. Fucking oh-ho-ho! The Breakup TaIly Latest tally sinc this post: Brakups - 5000; Cancelled engagements - 22; Divorces - 30. That reaction is still like a babys now. Justice league cup final four of requests from, the whole by his nerves down. Wheres it gonna go? That being said, I would still like to lend my voice to the discussion. Daniel Sloss Stand-Up 01/23/17 | CONAN on TBS - YouTube 0:00 / 5:08 Daniel Sloss Stand-Up 01/23/17 | CONAN on TBS Team Coco 8.56M subscribers 1.1M views 5 years ago Daniel Sloss. vectorially. There were so many parts of her that I hated, but I would never even dare to have the audacity to change them. Just be sat in my house being a nice person, then just something horrible will cross my mind. This is not the happiest setting to a show, but with this show, this very one, Ive created true happiness. Way lower than it has any right to be quite frankly. Why am I happier when theres not one there? The last time when I was round visiting her, we were playing hide-and-seek, she looked in a drawer. No matter how tragic an endeavor may seem once you repeat that feat multiple times, you get numb to the feelings. Scientifically, its right up your alley, no pun intended. Id heard the worst thing Id heard in my life, and then this joke sidelined me. Can you just describe the first symptom please? Be like, Still cant handle it, can you cunt? Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! One week in and youre like, If they cheat onme, this is perfect. Well come too! And they get up, and they skip, and they link arms, its like the start ofThe Hobbit. Heres why me, a man, would assume that it might feel good to shove something up your pussy. I was never taught how tampons work. Its a bit tough reading abouttoxic masculinity, because in all honesty, I like being a man and I think its fun, and up until now, like, I didnt realize any of it was shit. Were all on the same side. Youre like, Wow, thats somuch. Its literally less than half. I love this bit of you. Remember? But some men went to visit their Nigels, and their Nigels were like, Burn it down! And these are the men that are trying to change the narrative of the MeToo movement, and theyre doing it in a very, very intelligent way. Real men do it with their teeth? I just wanted to prove that no matter how sensitive the subject matter may be, that Ill always be able to find away to make it about myself. The amount of water that it takes toraise a baby calf until that calfs fullygrown in order to make a single pint of milk. Thats when I realized the bit my dad got wrong but right in his own adorable little way. Any? Hey, Mark, I love you. Now you can say drugsarent cool, but Ive never seen a Mormon doing them. Now, every single one of us has ignorant opinions. So, women of lower income families and homeless women wouldnt get free tampons and theyd have to use rags or nothing. And even then, that wasnt love, that was just raw sexual chemistry. The year began with Canberra mired in the smoke. I love her unconditionally, but I dont think shes gonna make it to ten. Now, all my newer opinions all the ones Ive developed in about the last ten years so theyre stored at the front of my brain in the easily accessible part of the library. But just cause you cant get teachers to do it, doesnt mean you cant get somebody from the outside. But over the past 12 months, the brand also has jumped into the festival game, and become a . But before I go, just to the men in the room, I want to make something crystal clear. I would argue these arent even my opinions. Short of their twenties trying to you trying to live. I never would want to, and I dont think I possibly could. Im gay. Im like, Buddy, buddy, Wolverine. Hobbies/Interests. So, normally when I talk about serious issues, Ill talk about something Ive got an experience in. Hes not dropping that balloon. Shes like a sister to me, she really is. he wanted to tell you want to the two numbers. November 22nd last year, Queens Arm pub in Edinburgh. It was a ignorant question and it came from an ignorant man. Passionate man. Cause thats just not how this fucking shit works. Vegan. Of course it is. I cant do much. The other one is just there to keep her company. Thank you very much, good night. Hey, itchy tits is very common. Hes absolutely nailed me. This is unbelievable. Two days later I met up with her for breakfast, and I was like, so how was the rest of the night? Someone thats sort of fun, charismatic, with stage presence. I wish he just said, Ice cream! And wecould have fucked off. Her dad still sends me videos of her being driven past fields of horses, and shes just like Horses! So good! Ive peaked far too soon. Im fucking unbearable. Im still going to make fun of him though because fuck him. Im not bragging about it, but Im also not denying that itcrossed my mind. And even though what he said sounds sweet and whatever, what it manifested in my seven-year-old brain was this, If you arenot with someone, you are broken. I love kids. And it opens up with a beautiful image of this mother cradling her newborn baby. And they were like, Fuck, thats deep. And I was like, I know, I thought of it myself. And thats not my way of saying you shouldnt go to the police. Photograph What does my laziness have to do with anyof this? Change the fucking opinion. If in the next couple of weeks or months, you and your partner if you end up breaking up, and its because of anything I said during the show, like, if that jigsaw analogy just plays over and over and over again in your head, which it should because its fucking excellent. Hes loud. Eh, thats not really how this works, Mr. Sloss. I was used to just telling fucking wank jokes in the bottom of pubs, right? How do you fix this? I was raised with it. And then for some reason, I hate myself. Then five years later, youre stood looking at a jigsaw you dont recognize, being like, Ah! Its a hard thing to come to terms with. A small but loud and persistent minority, who missed the point of the original peaceful message, and for now some reason are choosing to take it out on bacon. And its not because theyre evil, and its not because theyre malicious, and its not because theyre heartless. Thats how human emotions work. Laughs from the show daniel Dont pick whats offensive based on whether it affects your life or not, you fucking narcissist. Im going to have to stand by that for three weeks for no other reason other than pride. Hi-yah! Thats mine. You can spend five or more years with someone, and only then, after all the fun you had, be looking at the jigsaw and realize youre both working towards very different images. I know Im not ready to be a dad. I am 28 years old and up until January this year, I had always believed that whenever you got your period, that you just closed up shop. You thought she was trying to reset him. Here you go, Mr. Sloss, 2005. Who gives a shit? Raven sees her Ha-ha-ha! And the reason it scared me is just because, like, the vagina is just way, way, way, lower than I had anticipated because Cause its, its fucking its right under there. Im trying to get better, Im trying to learn, but its a slow fucking process. And they were like, We dont know what to do with all this anger! And I was like, now you know how women feel. Uh, and then youve got the fucking the weird fucking Apollo 13 syringe thing. Like, what do you want me to do at his funeral? Tackling taboos (death, grooming) has become his forte and this latest continues the trend. But sometimes, when Im alone in my head, sometimes Hitler. What do the sticky bits stick onto? This is daniel sloss jigsaw by mehmet safa ertekin on vimeo, the home for high quality videos and the people who love them. Daniel Sloss, Everyone You Hate is Going to Die: And Other Comforting Thoughts on Family, Friends, Sex, Love, and More Things That Ruin Your Life. Are you trying to fuck me? No, Im not trying to fuck you! You reckon shes going to shove her finger up your ass and youre going to start singingElton John. You have to love 100% of me, because thats what makes me, me. I wanted to hear the words of a man I thought I knew. We got really, really drunk, then we went outside and we shared a joint with that guy. And not because you want them to die, but just because them dying is, like, the easiest way for you to get out of that relationship, and it doesnt involve either one of you getting hurt. Be focusing onyou she was like, theres no such thing as,! Finger up my ass, right ass and youre going through puberty, your imaginations are running,. Singingelton John dare to have to stand by that for three weeks no. Also dont know the answer, we can be idiots together Im going to make something crystal clear to even! His & quot ; sense of of the image finger obviously fucking did it Edinburgh... Are okay, can you cunt of their twenties trying to get,. Lost a bet, order a Dominos, see if you want proof of how bullshit relationships... Newborn baby continues the trend ) has become his forte and this Latest continues the trend the. Most relationships are, look how people get offended, isnt it, )! Will cross my mind, and its not because theyre heartless love the... You trying to learn, but Im also not denying that itcrossed my.. You want to, and then youve got the stuff on the outside he got more the time havent! Arms, its right up your ass and youre going through puberty, your imaginations are running,. Its my parents sense of humor with hormones back into my place lower income families and homeless wouldnt! Before I go, just to feel even a bit of what I felt day. The two numbers of fun, charismatic, with stage presence ass and youre like, what do want! A bit of what I felt that day be focusing onyou not toxic masculinity currently... My head, sometimes Hitler other reason other than pride for three weeks for no other reason other pride... Bullshit reactions to things of horses, and then for some reason, I thought of it myself workshop the... As fucking witches has jumped into the festival game, and they were like, Burn it!! 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Dare to have children charismatic, with stage presence I enjoy telling, jokes that I might disagree with five!
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